


it doesn't mean anything

by ArgentLives



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (sort of?), Angst, Character Study, F/F, Gen, Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 01:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9634901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentLives/pseuds/ArgentLives
Summary: She spends the next few hours alternating between holding Eva’s hair back as she throws up and offering her sips of water, and then taking her home and crawling into bed next to her to make sure she’s okay until she finally passes out. She spends all night watching the rise and fall of Eva’s chest and wondering what it would be like to be lying here, in her friend’s bed, under different circumstances.In the morning, she’ll tell herself it doesn’t mean anything.[or: the things Vilde tells herself]





	

**Author's Note:**

> SORRY GUYS i know i'm dumping these here all at once; also just a warning there's some in general icky and not-good feelings about sex and being touched by guys in the first half of this courtesy of me, your local lesbian, hardcore projecting. but anyway!

There’s no pretense as to what she’s here for. When they get to his place, William kisses her, and she kisses back, and even though she’s well past tipsy now she sort of wishes she’d had at least another glass of wine before Chris had pried the bottle away and waved her off with a smirk. This is supposed to be the hottest guy in the school, she reminds herself, standing up on her tip-toes and pressing herself closer against him. She forces herself to smile as they make their way to his bedroom. This is what she wants, she thinks, pulling the door shut behind them. 

(Or, this is what she should want, so she wonders why she’s suddenly fighting the urge to gag when she feels his tongue in her mouth.)

They kiss on his bed and he takes off her clothes and she just smiles, smiles, smiles, her cheeks hurting with the effort, her mind buzzing from the alcohol, her skin crawling in every place he touches her, her stomach turning unpleasantly. It’s just butterflies, she tells herself as his hands wander, his weight pressing down on her, ignoring the nagging voice at the back of her mind telling her that butterflies are not supposed to feel this wrong. 

She closes her eyes and tries to remember what it felt like lying on her back in Eva’s bedroom, with the girls instructing her on how to construct her fantasy and trying to get turned on, but the images that fill her mind only succeed in making her that much more aware of how little William fits them. His hands are too big, his features are hard and angled, and he just smells so much like…boy. She keeps her eyes closed anyway, and pretends that it’s working.

She lays there for a little while after it’s over and he’s excused himself to the bathroom, staring blankly up at the cieling, reminding herself to keep smiling. The buzzing in her head is mostly gone now, but her skin still feels like it’s crawling. It’s probably just because it’s her first time, she reasons. She just needs to try harder.

Still, the first thing she does when she gets home is take a shower, standing under the steady stream of water until it goes cold. Later, when she confronts him at school, William tells her she’s not good enough, and it stings, but not the kind of sting she expects. She’s fairly certain it’s not heartbreak, just insecurity. Later, lying in her own bed and in the solitude of her own room, feeling tired and hungry and lost, she finally admits (if only, of course, to herself), that maybe she only really liked the idea of him. 

Which is okay. It must just be that just hasn’t found the right guy yet. She thinks that maybe she doesn’t really want to kiss guys because the only guy she’s kissed was just really bad at it, and…yeah. But then, that can’t be right, because all of the other girls he’s been with seem to think William is a perfectly good kisser, and they probably didn’t have to take two-hour showers just to get the feeling of his touch off their skin. Which means it must be her

She spends a long time after that shoving that thought deep, deep down and locking it up tight, drinking a little more and eating a lot less and focusing on what she’s always known: status, and self-presentation. It works, until one day she collapses, and the friends she’d tried to push away are right there for her again, and she sort of gets back on track. Except.

She knows people think she’s always oblivious, but she’s not stupid. She knows there’s something going on between William and Noora. She’s not even surprised to find that it doesn’t really hurt. And yet, she keeps up the whole obssessive act for her friends anyway, because if she stays focused on him than maybe they won’t ask why she keeps turning down other guys who want to hook up with her at parties. Guys who are actually interested in her. It’s easier to be interested in one who she knows will never like her back. Once she really finds the right guy, she won’t have to pretend anymore.

And then Eva, giggly and beautiful and absolutely wasted, kisses her at a party, and everything in her shatters into a million confusing little pieces.

After the initial shock passes, Vilde kisses her back, and she doesn’t know why she does, other than the fact that it feels right. She notices that Eva tastes like wine, and smells sweet despite the stench of weed and beer all around them, and her lips are so, so soft. The hand that cups her cheek is soft too, and she feels warm all the way down to her toes, and she grabs Eva’s arm to keep herself grounded because even though she’s nowhere near as drunk as her friend her legs suddenly feel like jelly. Her skin tingles, but not like it’s crawling, and this time the swooping feeling in her stomach is anything but unpleasant. 

This feels like butterflies in her stomach, warmth in her chest, heat spreading across her skin. This feels _good_. When Eva pulls away a little bit, only to come right back in for more, Vilde doesn’t have to remind herself to smile. 

That is, until Eva starts to tip dangerously sideways, and Vilde has to catch her to keep her from falling on her face. She spends the next few hours alternating between holding Eva’s hair back as she throws up and offering her sips of water, and then taking her home and crawling into bed next to her to make sure she’s okay until she finally passes out. She spends all night watching the rise and fall of Eva’s chest and wondering what it would be like to be lying here, in her friend’s bed, under different circumstances. 

In the morning, she’ll tell herself it doesn’t mean anything.

She’ll tell herself it doesn’t mean anything that she never really stops thinking about it. It doesn’t mean anything that maybe she laughs a little too loud at Eva’s jokes now, that when they keep kissing at parties it’s just because of the alcohol, and that it’s just because she’s curious that she’s always thinking about touching her, just to see, just to feel.

It doesn’t mean anything because she just hasn’t found the right guy yet, obviously.

(Eventually, Penetrator Chris becomes Eva’s go-to person to kiss at parties. Vilde tells herself the sting she feels seeing them together can’t be heartbreak.)

**Author's Note:**

> (*whispers* Vilde is ... a lesbian)


End file.
